I think too much.  I have reached that conclusion with only one small caveat, I have no clue how much is "too much" or what this means for the prospect of me ever having a happy life.  I don't think that thinking less would even really fix things at this point, I may have passed the point of no return.  Knowledge is power, and power is an aphrodisiac; but people fear what they cannot understand and control, and real trust breaks down in an atmosphere of fear.  The only way God seems to get away with it is by forcing the limitation on himself of not denying free choice and through people's ignorance.  They simply don't know what he is capable of and so they lack fear of that thing that they could otherwise neither understand nor control. Although, to be fair, I don't know where meddling might be acceptable as influence or where it might cross the line into manipulation.  To be fair, most people still hate God or horribly misrepresent him despite everything he does.  To be fair, I can only hold up so many relationships at a time and if those fail than I am back to square zero.

Mabie an example would help.

What is "romantic"?  Most people will give examples and try to guess at certain far off ideals of intimate circumstances but have no idea what the underlying concept means.  I do.

FAIR WARNING: what I'm about to explain will make anyone to be viewed as a freak by most anyone else who knows that you have this information and will eternally make your actions suspect as not being real but instead being contrived to "fake" the subject that I am about to explain.  Those wishing to live in ignorance (as ignorance, in this case, truly is bliss) can skip down to after the "Spoilers Over" section.  Unfortunately, for those skeptics who think I am all talk, I probably still have to explain this (and even then they will probably reject it anyways).  Perhapse someone can actually find some use in this little trease.  The subject is "what makes things romantic.

Romance can be defined as something that draws one in by some desirable characteristic yet retains enough opposing characteristics to make the thing all but useless for most any cause other than as the carrier of those desirable characteristics.  By the way, those "desirable characteristics" are specific, but hopefully you can figure that part out on your own.  Some examples: Giving a girl a pocketknife to use shows concern and care and may be "sweet" but it is not romantic.  Giving a girl a cut flower that will fade in a few days, can never grow, and has no real use other than being pretty also shows concern and care yet is more than sweet, it is "romantic".  Likewise giving a girl a potted flower is a lot less romantic than a cut one since the cut one can only be used as the carrier of the message of caring while the potted flower can be used for gardening.  What happens in the case that the girl is an avid gardener, wouldn't the potted flower be romantic then?  Yes, but in that case the usefulness of the flower as specifically "something to plant" is reduced because, as a gardener, she has plenty of things to plant and this is just one more of many!  Of course the same thing can happen to almost any object under the right circumstances, what is important is that the primary purpose is the passing along of those desirable characteristics and that any other useful characteristics are robbed from the thing.  Take that pocketknife above as an example: If, the pocketknife is given in response to a need than it is nice but if the girl can't use the knife or if she already has plenty of the on her own (assuming that it isn't just given to her as a substitute for the trash) than it suddenly becomes romantic.

Romance depends on the hope and draw toward that "desirable characteristic" and so works best when circumstances are arranged to create an all-or-nothing type circumstance where if things go right you can ride it as far as you can go because otherwise if they go wrong the are very very wrong.  Take a candlelit dinner in private or a walk on the empty beach at night.  Both of these are very romantic settings, but still somewhat impractical due to certain circumstances.  The dinner could just as easily be in a fine restaurant and the walk could just as easily be at a well lit, but quiet, location closer to civilization; but then neither of these things is nearly as romantic.  The difference is that if things go well it is automatically countered by the fear of how things could have gone wrong.  On the lighter end of things a failed conversation would simply drag on without something else to focus on or other people to keep things going.  On the darker side there is the knowledge that, however things turn out, there was the opportunity for the guy to take advantage of the girl since there was no one else around.  If nothing happens on that moonlit stroll than it is automatically romantic.  If the guy leads her out onto the beach, comments on how they are alone with only the moon and the stars, remarks on how the only sound is the waves of the beach and the beating of two hearts, and then kisses her...that is even more romantic.  (For those who didn't get it (from a slightly cynical point of view) he just told her that they were completely alone where nobody could see or hear what might happen and then started to move in sexually, although it sounds so much less "romantic" when I say it that way (although it may qualify (depending on personal opinion) as "hot" or "hawt" (which is a subclassification that has a lot to do with flirting and other boundry pushing exercises))).  Even if, while kissing, the guy's hands start to wander but he stops his wandering hands when she tells him to take things slowly the circumstance is still romantic because of the setting.  If the couple were sitting around a well lit room watching tv, began making out, and then things started to get too heated and the girl asked him to take things slowly than that would be anything but romantic.  You might even (depending on the circumstances) think of the guy as a creep for trying.  This is true even though the guy in the well-lit appartment may have had no more intention of taking advantage of the girl than the guy on the beach and even though both may have gotten caught up in the moment in exactly the same way.

Romance is therfore generally seen more frequently (but not exclusively) in girls without a great deal of maturity, idealists who may or may not be living in the real world (some may be mature depending on their personal circumstances, others keep their beliefs by immaturity), and people who pride themselves on having unbalanced lives (sometimes known as people who throw themselves into things without a thought (which usually shows immaturity when done correctly) or as people who make a high goal out of the process (which often leads to a reduction of any broader benefits that may come out of the experience)).  As I said before, these are not the only places that romantic behavior is exhibited or where things are interpreted romantically, but they are the most frequent.  The problem is that, as with anything where an unstable outcome increases the effectivity, the potency diminishes over time as the people get to know each other and begin to trust each other.  This problem can be circumvented if trust never develops, but that generally is only the case in abusive (and mutually abusive) relationships and prevents the relationship from reaching maturity.  Mature relationships are difficult to grow and so many people are increasingly choosing to stick with the easier to maintain and regain, adrenaline and phenylethlamine filled (phenylethlamine is a natural mood raising neurochemical that accompanies the honeymood phase of relationships), and less mature form of relationships.  This choice has a lot of other advantages as well, but I won't get into that now.  The up side is that, so long as the same gestures don't loose their meaning and become stale or so long as new gestures can be found, romance never has to end in a relationship.  Couples who have been together for years can be extremely romantic finding meaning in such simple things as doing the dishes or laundry.  The fact that they don't need to be done, they could be easily left for their partner, is what makes them romantic.  Remember, it is not the thing you do but how that desirable characteristic shines through the thing.

Spoilers Over: And there you have it.  A fairly complete explanation of what "romance" is and how it works.  I tried not to go into too much detail and to not go onto too many rabit trails and so I could probably write a lot more if I were to go into a more through explanation of some of the surrounding issues, especially how it breaks down and the personal mindstate of people who are experiencing this thing.  And that is exactly the problem: not only do I threaten that I could write a lot more on the subject after writing something like 4 pages on the basics, but I actually could write a lot more on the subject and still keep it focused on the specific subject at hand! 

What more can I say, what else is there to say?  I think I am justified in calling myself a freak, from other people's point of view anyway (and I'm still not sure what to call myself).  I can either keep silent, and have people only be a friend to part of me as they can't really know anything deeper; or speak, and be treated like a blowhard or a mad scientist.  Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.  What a way to live your life.  What a bunch of questions that I have to constantly work out.  But, in the end, that's life.

Four Letter Words:

Those who have been around me a while know that it can be extremely rare to hear me swear. I generally just try to make my point with less inflammatory language unless I think that the situation really calls for something a little over the top. The one exception to this comes when I am quoting someone else's words, in which case I just say what they have said. It isn't that I am morally opposed to that language, I just prefer to save it for when it is really needed.

Recently the words "what the fuck" have been running through my head over and over, which is ironically unfortunate because the situation has to do with a girl and I am still far too confused right now to be thinking anything about stuff like that. Of course, even that I am jumping to that connection confuses me, which only serves to complicate the matter.

The problem starts out like this: (1) If six months ago someone were to ask me to describe everything that I would want in a girl I would have had a difficult time for two reasons: 1. I'm a bit paranoid about thinking about anything good that might happen to me since stuff falls apart, and 2. I have developed a habit of not being open about myself as a way to protect myself against those who would use that information maliciously (even to the point of thinking about the thing in such a way so far removed from words that it can be difficult to translate it into a form that others can understand). (2) I've run into a girl who fits me better than anything that I could have ever described. Things that no human or demon could have possibly known about (and believe me, I've gotten pretty good at hiding things when I need to) are true about this girl in a way that makes me wonder if I'm seeing things clearly. But mabie things are not quite as perfect a fit as I think them to be.

Then I talked with her and realized something...

"Oh, Fuck"... no, wait, bad choice of words again. I can't be thinking about that right now. How about "Oh, Shit"? Yeah, that should work a lot better.

The problem continues like this, about a year ago I had to deal with the ending of a really hard relationship. I had known that it would end and how bad it would be but I couldn't keep things from developing. In the end, after my prediction came true, I just wished that I hadn't kept her at a distance for almost the entire 3 years I knew her. I have learned to take a lot of pain, I have to be able to for other reasons, but this still left me barely able to move (and that only by a force of will) for a week and I didn't completely get back to normal for a large number of months. My one regret was that I didn't make the most of the time I had with her but tried to keep her at a distance. Still, I knew I would get better eventually, this time I'm not so sure.

"AH, Hell". This is kinda messed up.

I can't run away, I care for her too much to ever to that to someone like her, but staying could ruin me, but experience tells me that it wouldn't work anyways (so even if she wouldn't care that I was gone it is impossible to hold on to that delusion), but even if things DO work out they will be really hard. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place, this is more like the choice between the frying pan and the fire.

Then there is that other four letter word that I have been trying to avoid all this time: Love. There have been other people who I connected with and nothing ever became of it because of the lack of that thing (I am a different person now). There are people who I have nothing in common with that I can't just disappear from because of that thing. Even in this specific situation people have warned me away from her and logic says that I should listen. But this four letter word, and the one who gave it to me (the LORD), have left me unable to listen to anything else. The word and the one who personifies that word both tell me that I can't leave her behind. So no matter what happens, no matter how much it may hurt, no matter how confused I may become, no matter what the consequences may be on myself, unconditionally I will love her in every way I can.

With every other four letter word that comes to mind with this situation (Fuck, Shit, Kunt, Hell, Damn, and a few others) there is one that, while no less shocking and some think as just as inflammatory, rings through my head with much more love. ****

9/21/08